Well folks, I am officially a badass.  I have been unofficially a badass for years, but nobody would give me credit for it.  Now it is official, I have a swanky certificate and everything.  My daughter, daughter in-law, and myself all attended the Women’s Wilderness Weekend at Patoka Lake and lived to tell about it.  We even walked away with our official Certificate of Survival that was awarded to us by the Indiana Department of Natural Resources.

What is the Women’s Wilderness Weekend you ask?  Well be prepared to have your socks blown off!  For one fabulous weekend at Patoka State Park in Southern Indiana women from all around converge for fellowship, firearms, camping, and other outdoors badassery.  This year those lucky few women who made the deadline and the limited participation cutoff, headed to the lake from April 21st through the 24th to embark on a weekend of training that would be the envy of all outdoor enthusiasts.

Anticipation filled our souls as we prepared for three months for this weekend revival.  I had not used our tent in six years so step one was to make sure it was still inhabitable.  We used to have a camper so we had most of the supplies needed to venture into the great outdoors.  I was short of a couple sleeping bags and an air mattress, afterall, my old ass was not sleeping on the ground. The only other obstacle was the hope that Blue Thunder Senior, my old truck with 330,000 miles on it, could make the 4 hour trip down south. Fingers crossed!

We arrived on Friday just in time to make it for the check in and meet and greet.  No time to put up the tent, we would have to do that later. We had to get to the Nature Center, this was our main hub for meetings, meals, and some activities.   We were hoping that the rain that we were now getting would ease up so we could put up the tent in better conditions.

There was only one session tonight, Self Defense or Nature Crafting.  I, of course, wanted to kick ass in self defense, but it sucked to be me, it was full.  Now the girls and I  will have to be a crafting badass instead.  As far as crafting is concerned, this class was a no holds barred, make anything your heart desires class.  The girls ended up with wood and stick critters, Kiana made a racoon and Bella made a butterfly.  I tried to be real creative and make a walking stick monstrosity with pictures on it.  We will be using it for firewood at a later date.

After we got our creative juices flowing, it was time to erect our shelter.  When we left the Nature Center the rain had stopped and we were feeling optimistic for the evening.  We had to get the tent up, and since supper was not provided the first night, we had to get a fire going for hotdogs.

First, let me say that this campground is huge!  We were staying in the modern campground and had electricity at our site. It took a minute but after we found our site we maneuvered the truck into position to get unloaded.  Then it started raining.

You cannot get a tent up fast enough when it is raining.  Especially when the whole top of your tent is net for those great starry nights with no rain.  There is an extra part that covers that net that you add to the tent once it is up for shitty nights light this one. Since Kiana is the Tent Erection Champion of the World, she takes point on this task, and being the smartass that I am, I have named her Pink Leader. Pink Leader was not thrilled with our lack of tent construction skills or her new badass name I gave her.  We could have put the polls in the wrong spot and she was not happy about it.  After the longest tent construction in the history of camping, we were soaked, the tent was soaked, and we opted for pizza.

The night did not disappoint, we had some drunken morons that did not know campfire voice etiquette and were pretty rowdy until past 2 am.  That, along with the cold weather conditions had us ready to face the day with a refreshing four hours sleep.  We had to be at the Nature Center at 7:45 for announcements and breakfast and we were bright eyed and bushy tailed.

Our first class started at 8:30, we did not quite know what to make of it as it was called Blending in with Nature.  We met up at the class site in front of the old cabin not knowing what adventure awaited us.  Then off in the distance a man emerged from the woods wearing all natural colors and textiles of wool.  He topped his outdoorsy look with a parka and Indiana Jones hat.  My thoughts, “Bitchin”. 

Our instructor finally broke the silence and let us in on what we were about to learn.  This man was an outdoorsman badass.  He was going to try to teach us how to blend in with our environment so that we could observe nature all around us.  I really hope there were no ladies that would later use this knowledge to try to pet a buffalo.  

What I did learn is that if you do not see any animals it is your own fault.  If you want to observe nature you need to wear colors that are seen in nature and fabrics that are natural as well.  No parachute pants or blue jeans, while we are at it, just do not wear blue at all.  It freaks animals out and they run for the hills.  Also, don’t wear any scents, go natural. Maybe if I hone these skills I can be one of those professional wildlife photographers.

Our next class was one I was pretty excited about, shooting sports!  Now, with the exception of my daughter and daughter in-law, we love to shoot.  Trap shooting is a personal favorite of mine and if I could just get these girls on board we could have a whole team!  Here is to hopin’ they will come around.

Keeping up the momentum, we headed to my personal favorite, Basic Bush Craft.  Here we learn all the skills needed to be on Naked and Afraid.  The same man who taught our Blending in with Nature class was our fearless leader for this one as well.  We learned how to make shelter, purify water, dress for the elements and we got to play with fire!  We also got assistance from his son and grandsons.  His six year old pyromaniac grandson brought out the worry wart mom in me when he set 50 cotton balls on fire in front of my very eyes, I think Smokey the Bear would have frowned upon his antics.  My life, however, will not be complete until I get a ferro rod.  

The girls, on the other hand, fell in love with Boat Operations.  It could be because Captain Dennis did the Charlie’s Angels pose with finger guns and everything.  It could have also been because I was trying to marry Kiana off to my Captain, he was a handsome fellow and I was imagining him as my future son in-law for the entire boat ride.  Sadly, there is no wedding in the works.

We ended our day learning to make Dutch Oven Desserts and roasting wieners over the fire.  The weather was starting to turn towards the dark side.  There was a freeze warning out and our neighbor was concerned that we did not have a heater in our tent.  We are  tougher than woodpecker lips and  will not cave!  We can survive some gale force winds and freezing temperatures in a tent.  

Well after putting on two pairs of pants, socks, shirts, and a toboggan I had my fill of the shitty weather.  “That’s it!  Everybody up!  We are out of here!”  This was my declaration at almost midnight.  I was met by protest by Kiana, who did not want to drive 30 minutes to the nearest town. 

 In the end my whining prevailed and I was not a bit ashamed.  As I laid my head down that night in a warm hotel room, in a comfy bed, out of the elements. I. WAS. WARM.  Again, I am not ashamed.

The next morning we had to get up extra early to drive a half of an hour to the park for our closing celebration.  We had to play it cool, afterall, if they knew we wussed out and went to a hotel they would probably parade us to the front and tear our Certificates of Survival in half.

In the end I am happy with my choices, I also have decided that I am too damn old for tent camping.  It is a Glamper life for me!  Next year we will survive the whole weekend and will not have to hang our head in shame after retreating to the Fairfield Inn.  We did suffer a scootch, we did not partake in breakfast and that should count for something!